wary but listening

[sciatrix]

so I'm commenting on the aromantic community again.

It's not...

I have such complicated feelings about it! It feels like the people who are continuing the conversations I had ten years ago are also erasing me and the context of those conversations, and I admit I get so bitter at the way that I only ever seem to hear from aromantic community and spaces when they're expressing derision at people who associate them with asexual communities, like there was some kind of cadre of aromantic allosexuals who came up with the whole thing.

And then the older I get and the less I'm convinced romantic orientation is a useful metric for talking about the way that people navigate the world of attachment, because I think the thing people are often talking about is more about limerence and less about the way you find people to grow together with and make families, but limerence is only really relevant when you're starting something new and not so much when you're moving together along a path.

And I worry about the endless hyperfocus on beginnings and not on journeys. Because I think that's what connection with people is, and at the end of the day, I think that the best things that aromantic community discussion has to bring to the table is to really emphasize the concept of chosen journeys that we take with other people.

Comments

[sylvaine]

Mmmyep. I know most of my vocabulary to conceptualise relationships and attachments and romance and sexuality from the ace/aro community, and yes I'm lumping them together because that's how things were when I was reading those conversations. (Actually, probably around the same time you were having them! (I remember voting on the ace flag & I'm still so damn proud at how that's just become The Official Flag now. I got to be part of something historic!))

Stumbling in from a position of zero knowledge

[jesse_the_k]

And appreciating your point in the last paragraph! It’s relevant to so much in my life, as I become an old person.

Young people are all about beginnings, because that’s where they’re at.

[sebenikela]

also coming without knowledge of context

I just...don't understand the drive toward ever more specific categorization and ever more clearly delineated boundaries and ownership of symbols as though these things weren't fuzzy-edged and dynamic by their very nature.

Probably this is in part because my own sexuality is best defined as ????????????? but also just... words are good! words that help people feel seen/heard/real/etc are important! but can we not make them into borders we police?

(i really don't want to be that middle-aged white lady going ~why can't we all just get along~ but YE GODS)

possibly-uncharitable reaction courtesy of my current dragon age hyperfixation: "Never underestimate the enmity of those for whom outrage is a sport." (i need to make this an icon probably)

the endless hyperfocus on beginnings and not on journeys

[osteophage]

I went and created a DW account just to be able to comment on this. Hi.

"The endless hyperfocus on beginnings and not on journeys" is such a good way to describe it. And it's partly understandable (I love introspection too, I get it), but also sometimes good grief is it exhausting. I was just talking about this with Elizabeth the other day (although I don't remember where). There's a lot of... atomizing of the nuances of inner feelings, which is all good and fine, except when it seems like that's crowding out any conversation about the bigger picture. Like how amatonormativity can't be combated with just "visibility" and how our society structures the norm of the nuclear family.

...Relatedly, you also may be interested in this post.