wary but listening
Mar. 5th, 2019 12:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sciatrixso I'm commenting on the aromantic community again.
It's not...
I have such complicated feelings about it! It feels like the people who are continuing the conversations I had ten years ago are also erasing me and the context of those conversations, and I admit I get so bitter at the way that I only ever seem to hear from aromantic community and spaces when they're expressing derision at people who associate them with asexual communities, like there was some kind of cadre of aromantic allosexuals who came up with the whole thing.
And then the older I get and the less I'm convinced romantic orientation is a useful metric for talking about the way that people navigate the world of attachment, because I think the thing people are often talking about is more about limerence and less about the way you find people to grow together with and make families, but limerence is only really relevant when you're starting something new and not so much when you're moving together along a path.
And I worry about the endless hyperfocus on beginnings and not on journeys. Because I think that's what connection with people is, and at the end of the day, I think that the best things that aromantic community discussion has to bring to the table is to really emphasize the concept of chosen journeys that we take with other people.
It's not...
I have such complicated feelings about it! It feels like the people who are continuing the conversations I had ten years ago are also erasing me and the context of those conversations, and I admit I get so bitter at the way that I only ever seem to hear from aromantic community and spaces when they're expressing derision at people who associate them with asexual communities, like there was some kind of cadre of aromantic allosexuals who came up with the whole thing.
And then the older I get and the less I'm convinced romantic orientation is a useful metric for talking about the way that people navigate the world of attachment, because I think the thing people are often talking about is more about limerence and less about the way you find people to grow together with and make families, but limerence is only really relevant when you're starting something new and not so much when you're moving together along a path.
And I worry about the endless hyperfocus on beginnings and not on journeys. Because I think that's what connection with people is, and at the end of the day, I think that the best things that aromantic community discussion has to bring to the table is to really emphasize the concept of chosen journeys that we take with other people.
Stumbling in from a position of zero knowledge
Date: 2019-03-05 07:43 pm (UTC)Young people are all about beginnings, because that’s where they’re at.
Re: Stumbling in from a position of zero knowledge
Date: 2019-03-05 10:02 pm (UTC)Yes, and: I think that young people and people who don't have a stable family group are the people who are loudly having these conversations, because they are the people who are afraid. Whereas once you manage to find a person to click with, it's.... you get the feeling that you have different challenges, first, but also fewer models... and the models you do have aren't characterized by the starting-compatibility divisions anymore, they're characterized by the going-on-with divisions.
Like, my current relationship started with T firmly saying it's romantic, and me firmly saying that fuck if I know what romance is, but we agreed to go on anyway and see where we wound up. And that's been a solid foundation! I haven't actually changed my mind! But it doesn't matter as much as trying to meet each other in the middle that works for us does.... and that doesn't make for good blog copy. Not if you want to keep your partner, anyway!