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Dec. 6th, 2018 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sciatrix I just got out of a really interesting conversation about queerness and community and access to easy entry points of community, and one of the things one of the participants in that conversation said struck me. They said that when they're lonely and looking to make specifically queer friends, they feel like the only way they have to do that is to use Tindr to find people to potentially date, and then maybe see if friendship comes out of that. Or maybe otherwise to go out and be attractive and potentially available, and maybe make friends that way.
I'm sort of personally horrified by the notion, in part because it's so inaccessible to me and in part because that's some heavy pressure to be available and attractive in exchange for affection and intimacy. And I'm newly really grateful for the people in my life and the set of circumstances that has let them be here for me, both personally and in the aggregate.
This isn't intended to be a judgement on anyone who feels that way or anyone who that idea would work for or anything. It's just a system that would not work for me, and one I'm glad not to currently find myself in.
I'm sort of personally horrified by the notion, in part because it's so inaccessible to me and in part because that's some heavy pressure to be available and attractive in exchange for affection and intimacy. And I'm newly really grateful for the people in my life and the set of circumstances that has let them be here for me, both personally and in the aggregate.
This isn't intended to be a judgement on anyone who feels that way or anyone who that idea would work for or anything. It's just a system that would not work for me, and one I'm glad not to currently find myself in.
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Date: 2018-12-06 09:14 pm (UTC)There's no booze, either, alcohol culture being the other traditional method of queer hookups, which can also be a problem for some people. And I mean... really, I just want there to be more community spaces, dammit, that don't expect you to Be anything except yourself. Intergenerational spaces, for example. I just--want people to be less lonely and to have more access to long-standing chosen family networks, and that necessitates a culture of people going out and interacting with one another so that those relationships can naturally form.
*stamps foot* no one should *have* to do anything to escape the bite of loneliness beyond tending to their own relationships and nurturing joy in others, you feel?
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Date: 2018-12-06 09:42 pm (UTC)Like, a have a professor you loves talking about third places, accessible spaces not related to home nor work that allow relaxed, intergenerational community building. The only physical queer third places available really are bars, pubs and cruissing spots, and they're slowly disappearing due to gentrification (specially those not catering cis dudes). Sometimes queer bookstores and coffeshops allow for non-sexualized interaction, but those tend to be even fewer and far between.
We need more social queer meetups and more, like, LGBT+ community / cultural centers, places where you can go and stay for free and meet other queer folks.
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Date: 2018-12-06 10:09 pm (UTC)Weirdly I think that internet fandom has been that space for many of us? Or at least, it so often has been for me. And I mean, that's all well and good, but sometimes it's nice to have your social networks nearby, too.
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Date: 2018-12-06 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-06 09:48 pm (UTC)no one should *have* to do anything to escape the bite of loneliness beyond tending to their own relationships and nurturing joy in others, you feel?
^^^ Yes.
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Date: 2018-12-06 10:07 pm (UTC)Yeah, I didn't drink much at the time I set up that meetup and I still don't, and quite frankly, I hate bars! I can never hear anyone talk. So I figured the hell with it, I'd do something I actually liked instead. Which was tea (although I've since cut caffeine heavily because hello anxiety trigger, but they do fancy hot chocolates too). Besides, I wanted to be able to have something for folks who weren't twenty one yet. I think I'd only just turned twenty two myself when I started doing that thing.
Really, there are plenty of good queer third spaces of that kind that I've seen in various places! It's just that almost all of them are student centers, and I thought then (and still think) that there need to be access points for friendships for adults who are no longer in college, too. My campus doesn't have much of a queer faculty culture, so when I was thinking about what I wanted to make I felt pretty strongly that I wanted to be accessible to folks of all ages.
Ace communities can tend towards being unfortunately narrow in the age ranges they're thinking of--I am still indignantly sputtering over one age-specific initiative that called itself Aces Over Twenty--and I wanted something relatively comfortable for folks of a variety of ages. I'm proud of the range we have now, all the way from college students up to mid-thirties and a few folks who come in occasionally who are in their forties and fifties. I grew up being scared that adults didn't get to have meaningful friendships or relationships outside natal family and spouses, so it makes me really happy to see evidence that teenage me was wrong all around me.
Apparently we have a queer gym here in town, which I was delighted to learn about. Yes! More of that! Queerness isn't just about sex, dammit, and there ought to be space for us to find one another and interact in all our lives.
I lucked into online life
Date: 2018-12-07 09:46 pm (UTC)https://wiscon.net
Which is a very queer space indeed. I'm with you on noise and drinks--our local library offers free rooms for public events run by individuals, and that's worked for some things.
*waves* at