I mean, same? Like, I'm--aw, hell, it's complicated and ace is always going to be my home identity, the people where I go home and I'm seen, but I'm also--insofar as I develop interest in anyone, it's never ever men, I prefer women and enbies on basically every level, and while I do have male friends it's never where my interest for committed relationships go.
Of course my interest in sex is effectively nil and I don't seem to have the starting crush thing on people, so it's all fucking complicated, and I'm shielded from a few of the complaints that the-sort-of-lesbian-who-likes-to-cry-lesbophobia have--I'm not trying to negotiate dating with people who ghost me, for one thing.
...Not exactly, anyway, and not anymore.
But I don't see why you can't hold the loneliness of having people repeatedly say that yeah, they're interested in what you want, they're interested in you, but also constantly peel away from the actual challenge of staying with you... alongside the essential loneliness of never being able to trust that groups that say they welcome people like you, that say they want you there, will follow through; the loneliness of never being seen as your true self no matter how loudly you scream it.
I mean. I'm butch. I collapse my nonbinary partner into "my wife" when it's easier on us both to just slide under the assumption. I pass as lesbian. I deal with the awkward wariness from certain kinds of straight women (or, at least, women who claim a straight public identity) just as much as anyone else. And I get to put up with both kinds of pain and trauma and isolation, so I admit I kind of... break my brain in frustration that other people can't see that they both are forms of pain and isolation and can't handle that shit without letting it bleed out and retraumatize someone else.
Which is literally what I see happening from these women; it's trauma weaponized to hurt other people. And I don't know how to get that across without getting run out of town, and I'm tired and insecure and hurting and probably being condescending, the amount of times I've repeated myself in that conversation, so I'm taking myself out of it before I can hurt anyone else.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-02-20 07:42 pm (UTC)Of course my interest in sex is effectively nil and I don't seem to have the starting crush thing on people, so it's all fucking complicated, and I'm shielded from a few of the complaints that the-sort-of-lesbian-who-likes-to-cry-lesbophobia have--I'm not trying to negotiate dating with people who ghost me, for one thing.
...Not exactly, anyway, and not anymore.
But I don't see why you can't hold the loneliness of having people repeatedly say that yeah, they're interested in what you want, they're interested in you, but also constantly peel away from the actual challenge of staying with you... alongside the essential loneliness of never being able to trust that groups that say they welcome people like you, that say they want you there, will follow through; the loneliness of never being seen as your true self no matter how loudly you scream it.
I mean. I'm butch. I collapse my nonbinary partner into "my wife" when it's easier on us both to just slide under the assumption. I pass as lesbian. I deal with the awkward wariness from certain kinds of straight women (or, at least, women who claim a straight public identity) just as much as anyone else. And I get to put up with both kinds of pain and trauma and isolation, so I admit I kind of... break my brain in frustration that other people can't see that they both are forms of pain and isolation and can't handle that shit without letting it bleed out and retraumatize someone else.
Which is literally what I see happening from these women; it's trauma weaponized to hurt other people. And I don't know how to get that across without getting run out of town, and I'm tired and insecure and hurting and probably being condescending, the amount of times I've repeated myself in that conversation, so I'm taking myself out of it before I can hurt anyone else.