>> This reminds me of a conversation I've had with my girlfriend, who's a lot more experienced I am. "I'm not used to the idea of stage-managing my own sex," I said. "Deciding what, specifically, I want to do. I always kind of thought I just had to show up and be willing and the other person would figure it all out." <<
*applause* This is STILL TRUE even if you THINK you are good at self-advocating and feel able to do so in a sexual context.
An explicit personal example follows, feel free to skip.
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I went off-script from the start. Being so much more bookish than socially adept, and having well-to-do holdover hippie parents PLUS the gender studies library of a lieft-leaning liberal arts college, I ran with the idea that Consent Was Good and Pleasure Is Fun and Safe Sex Matters and Use Your Words. (As a note, this was about ten, twelve years ago, and I have had sex to date with a grand total of two people). And guess what? My primary partner and I were *still* at sea figuring out how to Words, especially since we were each other's first partner *and* both of us were then actively presenting a gender we would later realize we didn't identify with (she's a trans woman, I'm genderqueer and AFAB). We fumbled around with some bad scripts collected from cultural context, and one of the few things we got right from the beginning was that I articulated my 'yes's and 'no's because I had read the overt script that that was a Good Idea and failed to internalized the hidden script that it wasn't. We eventually had some great sex, but also had, and have, other ongoing problems communicating and connecting what we want and need. The later one-off sexual connection with a friend with whom I was exploring some poly possibilities was sincere, awkward, physically enjoyable, and definitely not something that could provide a useful script to repeat, because it only happened. I now think I have to have Using Words Well as an existing condition in a friendship to consider a relationship and as an existing condition in a relationship to consider sex.
I have yet to have sex with a person with similar genitals to myself, and I expect that when that possibility comes my way, it will be awkward as hell to talk about, too.
So stories like this - stories with wlw, in the broadest sense, believably negotiating desire and connection - would be really amazing for me, and achingly relatable.
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timeasmymeasure
commenting much later on the wlw lack of scripts
Date: 2018-12-17 12:13 am (UTC)*applause* This is STILL TRUE even if you THINK you are good at self-advocating and feel able to do so in a sexual context.
An explicit personal example follows, feel free to skip.
***
***
***
***
***
I went off-script from the start. Being so much more bookish than socially adept, and having well-to-do holdover hippie parents PLUS the gender studies library of a lieft-leaning liberal arts college, I ran with the idea that Consent Was Good and Pleasure Is Fun and Safe Sex Matters and Use Your Words. (As a note, this was about ten, twelve years ago, and I have had sex to date with a grand total of two people). And guess what? My primary partner and I were *still* at sea figuring out how to Words, especially since we were each other's first partner *and* both of us were then actively presenting a gender we would later realize we didn't identify with (she's a trans woman, I'm genderqueer and AFAB). We fumbled around with some bad scripts collected from cultural context, and one of the few things we got right from the beginning was that I articulated my 'yes's and 'no's because I had read the overt script that that was a Good Idea and failed to internalized the hidden script that it wasn't. We eventually had some great sex, but also had, and have, other ongoing problems communicating and connecting what we want and need. The later one-off sexual connection with a friend with whom I was exploring some poly possibilities was sincere, awkward, physically enjoyable, and definitely not something that could provide a useful script to repeat, because it only happened. I now think I have to have Using Words Well as an existing condition in a friendship to consider a relationship and as an existing condition in a relationship to consider sex.
I have yet to have sex with a person with similar genitals to myself, and I expect that when that possibility comes my way, it will be awkward as hell to talk about, too.
So stories like this - stories with wlw, in the broadest sense, believably negotiating desire and connection - would be really amazing for me, and achingly relatable.