"But it did make me think about the way in which media fandom, which is intricately intertwined with every female-and-enby-dominated* queer space I have ever inhabited (ace or otherwise!) is just as prone to using sex and sexuality as a means of interaction and connection and socializing and friendship rather than fencing it off in a little corner from the rest of everything."
OH GOD, THIS.
Only, I'm coming from a not-at-all female-and-enby-dominated queer space. This is one of the things I love (loved? I've had to be out of touch for about a decade now) about the in-person rope-bondage community, which skews pretty hard to cisgender white people, disproportionately (though not hugely) male, generally preferring an "opposite" sex. And skews hard to M/f.
But, still, it's a social world in which you can have... for want of a better term sex friends. Or rather kink friends. And by that term, I don't just mean the kink variety of "fuck buddies", though that's also a thing. I mean, like, two people who are both tops, who aren't attracted to each other, who would never have any occasion to want to do each other, they might share their hobby with one another and enthuse about it and teach one another and maybe even team up to do a third party. They might be in the room when the other gets it on with a third party, say at a kink event.
Kinksters hold classes – whole conventions – in which people not only talk about it they discuss it openly and casually, from fine points of technique to the psychology of it, and they do it, in front of others, both as demonstration and as practice. And! Despite being predominantly straight/M-dom, it's a militantly queer-accepting, F-dom-welcoming, pansexual space.
So, like, I once came upon a scene between three men in a dungeon. In the midst of things, it became clear they were running short on towels; I zipped out to the hall and got them more, and slipped them discreetly into arms-reach. Later one of them thanked me for it. I cannot imagine a circumstance in the vanilla world in which an ostensibly straight chick would happen upon three gay(? or M|M) guys getting it on, and lend a neighborly hand so they don't have to stop their groove for supplies.
At these conventions and events, on one hand, the vibe is totally relaxed, inviting, natural, comfortable - totally unremarkable-feeling to me. On the other hand, when I try to imagine the vanilla allosexual hets having analogous events – ones in which people talk so matter-of-factly and relaxedly about doing sex, and helping one another have it, whether by sharing information and enthusiasm, or by actually participating, either sexually or just by helping out, and have friends where they share this sort of thing: I have trouble imagining it. That's... not how straight, mainstream culture works.
Or maybe that's what the swingers are up to?
Anyhoo, I have this deep appreciation for this sort of sexual (for want of a better word) friendship and community, like you're describing, and, yes, it's this wonderful thing that the mainstream vanilla straight allosexuals apparently don't get, and never do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-12-22 11:58 pm (UTC)"But it did make me think about the way in which media fandom, which is intricately intertwined with every female-and-enby-dominated* queer space I have ever inhabited (ace or otherwise!) is just as prone to using sex and sexuality as a means of interaction and connection and socializing and friendship rather than fencing it off in a little corner from the rest of everything."
OH GOD, THIS.
Only, I'm coming from a not-at-all female-and-enby-dominated queer space. This is one of the things I love (loved? I've had to be out of touch for about a decade now) about the in-person rope-bondage community, which skews pretty hard to cisgender white people, disproportionately (though not hugely) male, generally preferring an "opposite" sex. And skews hard to M/f.
But, still, it's a social world in which you can have... for want of a better term sex friends. Or rather kink friends. And by that term, I don't just mean the kink variety of "fuck buddies", though that's also a thing. I mean, like, two people who are both tops, who aren't attracted to each other, who would never have any occasion to want to do each other, they might share their hobby with one another and enthuse about it and teach one another and maybe even team up to do a third party. They might be in the room when the other gets it on with a third party, say at a kink event.
Kinksters hold classes – whole conventions – in which people not only talk about it they discuss it openly and casually, from fine points of technique to the psychology of it, and they do it, in front of others, both as demonstration and as practice. And! Despite being predominantly straight/M-dom, it's a militantly queer-accepting, F-dom-welcoming, pansexual space.
So, like, I once came upon a scene between three men in a dungeon. In the midst of things, it became clear they were running short on towels; I zipped out to the hall and got them more, and slipped them discreetly into arms-reach. Later one of them thanked me for it. I cannot imagine a circumstance in the vanilla world in which an ostensibly straight chick would happen upon three gay(? or M|M) guys getting it on, and lend a neighborly hand so they don't have to stop their groove for supplies.
At these conventions and events, on one hand, the vibe is totally relaxed, inviting, natural, comfortable - totally unremarkable-feeling to me. On the other hand, when I try to imagine the vanilla allosexual hets having analogous events – ones in which people talk so matter-of-factly and relaxedly about doing sex, and helping one another have it, whether by sharing information and enthusiasm, or by actually participating, either sexually or just by helping out, and have friends where they share this sort of thing: I have trouble imagining it. That's... not how straight, mainstream culture works.
Or maybe that's what the swingers are up to?
Anyhoo, I have this deep appreciation for this sort of sexual (for want of a better word) friendship and community, like you're describing, and, yes, it's this wonderful thing that the mainstream vanilla straight allosexuals apparently don't get, and never do.
I have no idea if I'm making any sense?
Hi! I'm Iodama! Nice to meet you.