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Bleh. I hate massive study days. Especially days when I have to focus on photosynthesis, of all things. I hate biochemistry.
L mentioned a new YA novel with an asexual character in it today. I wish that didn't make me as happy as it did--I still feel self-conscious about seeking out books with asexual characters in them sometimes, even if they're not necessarily otherwise my cup of tea. Sometimes it's easy to feel like a freak for needing that bit of remainder that I'm not the only one who's asexual out there, especially when my meatspace friends are going on about this or that crush or I'm missing out on post-Quizbowl sex talk or whatever. (It's not necessarily the sex talk I'm missing--I wouldn't have much to contribute anyway--but the bonding.) And seeking out asexuals in media makes me feel even more out-of-line sometimes, like I'm spending all my time on my orientation and making everyone focus on it. I guess I'm glad that she noticed it and thought I might be interested, although I wish she'd stop making comments on what my taste is.
Which doesn't make logical sense, to be honest. I barely mention being ace or AVEN in my daily life. I think I've brought up an event on AVEN exactly once, when it was something really bothering me about intersectionality, to L. No, twice, but it was the same event. I've never explained about romantic orientation to them, or the fact that I'm still trying to evaluate what romantic relationships even mean to me, or what falling in love is. It's not that most of my friends don't know, but it's also not like I spend a lot of time talking to them about my experience of being ace. I've never even referred to myself as "ace" rather than "asexual" in real-time conversation--in part because imagining explaining the fact that there actually is slang for my orientation sounds so cringe-inducing, like we're "real" or something. (Except we are. I am real. Huh. I think I have more to unpack there.)
What makes it all so much weirder is that I'm still trying to figure out how and when to come out to A about the fact that I do in fact identify as asexual, not "I've never fallen in love" or a heterosexual-in-waiting. I had some sort of vague notion of not coming out right away to her and seeing how that colored my interactions with her, and then she said something about not having ever met gay people in her tiny town and I sort of got wary about coming out at all. I have no intention of being someone's museum piece or anything, and I'd be terrified if she reacted badly and I suddenly had no one to live with, especially considering how well we get along. And at the same time I'm juggling that, I'm trying to figure out how open I want to be about my asexuality and considering whether I want to start wearing the ring, and it's a path which is a little nervewracking to walk. We'll see whether I do come out to her about that; I did mention the autism recently which went pretty well. I don't know--maybe I'll take a summer off to be more open about myself and see what comes of that.
L mentioned a new YA novel with an asexual character in it today. I wish that didn't make me as happy as it did--I still feel self-conscious about seeking out books with asexual characters in them sometimes, even if they're not necessarily otherwise my cup of tea. Sometimes it's easy to feel like a freak for needing that bit of remainder that I'm not the only one who's asexual out there, especially when my meatspace friends are going on about this or that crush or I'm missing out on post-Quizbowl sex talk or whatever. (It's not necessarily the sex talk I'm missing--I wouldn't have much to contribute anyway--but the bonding.) And seeking out asexuals in media makes me feel even more out-of-line sometimes, like I'm spending all my time on my orientation and making everyone focus on it. I guess I'm glad that she noticed it and thought I might be interested, although I wish she'd stop making comments on what my taste is.
Which doesn't make logical sense, to be honest. I barely mention being ace or AVEN in my daily life. I think I've brought up an event on AVEN exactly once, when it was something really bothering me about intersectionality, to L. No, twice, but it was the same event. I've never explained about romantic orientation to them, or the fact that I'm still trying to evaluate what romantic relationships even mean to me, or what falling in love is. It's not that most of my friends don't know, but it's also not like I spend a lot of time talking to them about my experience of being ace. I've never even referred to myself as "ace" rather than "asexual" in real-time conversation--in part because imagining explaining the fact that there actually is slang for my orientation sounds so cringe-inducing, like we're "real" or something. (Except we are. I am real. Huh. I think I have more to unpack there.)
What makes it all so much weirder is that I'm still trying to figure out how and when to come out to A about the fact that I do in fact identify as asexual, not "I've never fallen in love" or a heterosexual-in-waiting. I had some sort of vague notion of not coming out right away to her and seeing how that colored my interactions with her, and then she said something about not having ever met gay people in her tiny town and I sort of got wary about coming out at all. I have no intention of being someone's museum piece or anything, and I'd be terrified if she reacted badly and I suddenly had no one to live with, especially considering how well we get along. And at the same time I'm juggling that, I'm trying to figure out how open I want to be about my asexuality and considering whether I want to start wearing the ring, and it's a path which is a little nervewracking to walk. We'll see whether I do come out to her about that; I did mention the autism recently which went pretty well. I don't know--maybe I'll take a summer off to be more open about myself and see what comes of that.